Maybe the Last Time

Ava finished her fourth course of chemo yesterday like a champion.  There isn't a whole lot to report - chemotherapy kinda feels like part of a familiar routine now.  She is feeling nauseous today, but that has been a normal response to each round. We expect that general feeling of yuckiness to last for the next 3 or 4 days.

In general, Ava has been doing great.  Her recovery from surgery was shockingly fast and she has been able to function much as a normal 10-year-old would.  We always say that if she had her hair, you wouldn't be able to tell she was fighting cancer.

One shift we have noticed in the last few weeks is that she is increasingly frustrated and angry that she has cancer and asks "why?" a lot.  Of course, we can't answer this question; we have the same one for her and all the kids with cancer.  I think we can all understand her frustration and empathize with anger about suffering, but it's hard to be present without putting a bandaid on her/our pain with trite responses.

We've been telling everyone - with great trepidation - that this could be Ava's last round of chemo.  It feels bold to say that, but that's what the doctors said.  It just feels too good to be true: that Ava has responded so well to medicines and the surgery went so well that she could be through cancer.  Holly and I were saying that it feels like we are waiting on something bad to happen now, after receiving great feedback over and over these past few months.  Of course, we won't know until after her scans in October, but we are holding on to that hope...with reluctance and self-protective skepticism. 

If she is cleared after her scans in Memphis, it is a possibility that she could be back in school by late October, depending on her immune system.  We will see. 

I will write more soon.